Рыжий

LADY FREDERICK

CHARACTERS

Lady Frederick Berolles

Sir Gerald O'Mara

Mr. Paradine Fouldes

Marchioness of Mereston

Marquess of Mereston

Admiral Carlisle

Rose

Lady Frederick's Dressmaker

Lady Frederick's Footman

Lady Frederick's Maid

Thompson

A Waiter at the Hotel Splendide

Time: The Present Day

Acts I and II —Drawing-room at the Hotel Splendide, Monte Carlo.

Act III —Lady Frederick's Dressing-Room.

The Performing Rights of this play are fully protected, and permission to perform it, whether by Amateurs or Professionals, must be obtained in advance from the author's Sole Agent, R. Golding Bright, 20 Green Street, Leicester Square, London, W.C., from whom all particulars can be obtained

THE FIRST ACT

Scene: Drawing-room of the Hotel Splendide at Monte Carlo. A large, handsomely furnished room, with doors right and left, and French windows at the back leading to a terrace. Through these is seen the starry southern night. On one side is a piano, on the other a table with papers neatly laid out on it. There is a lighted stove.

Lady Mereston, in evening dress, rather magnificently attired, is reading the papers. She is a handsome woman of forty. She puts down the paper impatiently and rings the bell. A servant answers. He has a French accent.

Lady Mereston

Did Mr. Paradine Fouldes come this evening?

Servant

Yes, miladi.

Lady Mereston

Is he in the hotel now?

Servant

Yes, miladi.

Lady Mereston

Will you send some one up to his room to say I'm waiting to see him?

Servant

Pardon, miladi, but the gentleman say 'e was on no account to be disturbed.

Lady Mereston

Nonsense. Mr. Fouldes is my brother. You must go to him immediately.

Servant

Mr. Fouldes his valet is in the 'all. Will your ladyship speak with him?

Lady Mereston

Mr. Fouldes is more difficult to see than a cabinet minister. Send his servant to me.

Servant

Very good, miladi.

[Exit Servant, and presently Thompson, Mr. Fouldes' man, comes in.

Thompson

Your ladyship wished to see me.

Lady Mereston

Good evening, Thompson. I hope you had a comfortable journey.

Thompson

Yes, my lady. Mr. Fouldes always has a comfortable journey.

Lady Mereston

Was the sea calm when you crossed?

Thompson

Yes, my lady. Mr. Fouldes would look upon it as a great liberty if the sea was not calm.

Lady Mereston

Will you tell Mr. Fouldes that I should like to see him at once?

Thompson

[Looking at his watch.] Excuse me, my lady, but Mr. Fouldes said no one was to disturb him till ten o'clock. It's more than my place is worth to go to him at five minutes to.

Lady Mereston

But what on earth's he doing?

Thompson

I don't know at all, my lady.

Lady Mereston

How long have you been with Mr. Fouldes?

Thompson

Twenty-five years, my lady.

Lady Mereston

I should have thought you knew how he spent every minute of his day.

[Paradine comes in. He is a very well-dressed man of forty-odd. Self-possessed, worldly, urbane. He is never at a loss or put out of countenance. He overhears Lady Mereston's last words.

Fouldes

When I engaged Thompson I told him the first thing he must learn was the very difficult feat of keeping his eyes open and shut at one and the same time.

Lady Mereston

My dear Paradine, I've been waiting to see you for the last two hours. How tiresome you are.

Fouldes

You may give me a kiss, Maud, but don't be rough.

Lady Mereston

[Kissing his cheek.] You ridiculous creature. You really might have come to see me at once.

Fouldes

My dear, you cannot grudge me a little repose after a long and tedious journey. I had to repair the ravages to my person caused by twenty-seven hours in the train.

Lady Mereston

Don't be so absurd. I'm sure your person is never ravished.

Fouldes

Ravaged, my dear, ravaged. I should look upon it as an affectation at my age if I were not a little upset by the journey from London to Monte Carlo.

Lady Mereston

I'll be bound you ate a very hearty dinner.

Fouldes

Thompson, did I eat any dinner at all?

Thompson

[Stolidly.] Soup, sir.

Fouldes

I remember looking at it.

Thompson

Fish, sir.

Fouldes

I trifled with a fried sole.

Thompson

Bouchées à la Reine, sir.

Fouldes

They have left absolutely no impression upon me.

Thompson

Tournedos à la Splendide.

Fouldes

They were distinctly tough, Thompson. You must lodge a complaint in the proper quarter.

Thompson

Roast pheasant, sir.

Fouldes

Yes, yes, now you mention it, I do remember the pheasant.

Thompson

Chocolate ice, sir.

Fouldes

It was too cold, Thompson. It was distinctly too cold.

Lady Mereston

My dear Paradine, I think you dined uncommonly well.

Fouldes

I have reached an age when love, ambition and wealth pale into insignificance beside a really well-grilled steak. That'll do, Thompson.

Thompson

Very well, sir.

[He goes out.

Lady Mereston

It's too bad of you, Paradine, to devour a substantial meal when I'm eating out my very heart with anxiety.

Fouldes

It seems to agree with you very well. I've not seen you look better for years.

Lady Mereston

For heaven's sake be serious and listen to me.

Fouldes

I started immediately I got your telegram. Pray tell me what I can do for you?

Lady Mereston

My dear Paradine, Charlie's head over ears in love.

Fouldes

It's not altogether an unexpected condition for a young man of twenty-two. If the lady's respectable, marry him and resign yourself to being a dowager. If she's not, give her five hundred pounds and pack her off to Paris or London or wherever else she habitually practises her arts and graces.

Lady Mereston

I wish I could. But who d'you think it is?

Fouldes

My dear, there's nothing I detest more than riddles. I can imagine quite a number of fair ladies who would look without disdain upon a young marquess with fifty thousand a year.

Lady Mereston

Lady Frederick Berolles.

Fouldes

By Jupiter!

Lady Mereston

She's fifteen years older than he is.

Fouldes

Then she's not old enough to be his mother, which is a distinct advantage.

Lady Mereston

She dyes her hair.

Fouldes

She dyes it uncommonly well.

Lady Mereston

She paints.

Fouldes

Much better than a Royal Academician.

Lady Mereston

And poor Charlie's simply infatuated. He rides with her all the morning, motors with her all the afternoon, and gambles with her half the night. I never see him.

Fouldes

But why should you think Lady Frederick cares two straws for him?

Lady Mereston

Don't be ridiculous, Paradine. Every one knows she hasn't a penny, and she's crippled with debts.

Fouldes

One has to keep up appearances in this world. Life nowadays for the woman of fashion is a dilemma of which one horn is the Bankruptcy Court and the other – dear Sir Francis Jeune.

Lady Mereston

I wish I knew how she manages to dress so beautifully. It's one of the injustices of fate that clothes only hang on a woman really well when she's lost every shred of reputation.

Fouldes

My dear, you must console yourself with the thought that she'll probably frizzle for it hereafter.

Lady Mereston

I hope I'm not wicked, Paradine, but to wear draperies and wings in the next world offers me no compensation for looking dowdy in a Paquin gown in this.

Fouldes

I surmised she was on the verge of bankruptcy when I heard she'd bought a new motor. And you seriously think Charlie wants to marry her?

Lady Mereston

I'm sure of it.

Fouldes

And what d'you want me to do?

Lady Mereston

Good heavens, I want you to prevent it. After all he has a magnificent position; he's got every chance of making a career for himself. There's no reason why he shouldn't be Prime Minister – it's not fair to the boy to let him marry a woman like that.

Fouldes

Of course you know Lady Frederick?

Lady Mereston

My dear Paradine, we're the greatest friends. You don't suppose I'm going to give her the advantage of quarrelling with me. I think I shall ask her to luncheon to meet you.

Fouldes

Women have such an advantage over men in affairs of this sort. They're troubled by no scruples, and, like George Washington, never hesitate to lie.

Lady Mereston

I look upon her as an abandoned creature, and I tell you frankly I shall stop at nothing to save my son from her clutches.

Fouldes

Only a thoroughly good woman could so calmly announce her intention of using the crookedest ways to gain her ends.

Lady Mereston

[Looking at him.] There must be some incident in her career which she wouldn't like raked up. If we could only get hold of that…

Fouldes

[Blandly.] How d'you imagine I can help you?

Lady Mereston

A reformed burglar is always the best detective.

Fouldes

My dear, I wish you could be frank without being sententious.

Lady Mereston

You've run through two fortunes, and if we all got our deserts you would be starving now instead of being richer than ever.

Fouldes

My second cousins have a knack of dying at the psychological moment.

Lady Mereston

You've been a horrid, dissipated wretch all your life, and heaven knows the disreputable people who've been your bosom friends.

Fouldes

With my knowledge of the world and your entire lack of scruple we should certainly be a match for one defenceless woman.

Lady Mereston

[Looking at him sharply.] Common report says that at one time you were very much in love with her.

Fouldes

Common report is an ass whose long ears only catch its own braying.

Lady Mereston

I was wondering how far things went. If you could tell Charlie of the relations between you…

Fouldes

My good Maud, there were no relations – unfortunately.

Lady Mereston

Poor George was very uneasy about you at the time.

Fouldes

Your deceased husband, being a strictly religious man, made a point of believing the worst about his neighbours.

Lady Mereston

Don't, Paradine; I know you didn't like one another, but remember that I loved him with all my heart. I shall never get over his death.

Fouldes

My dear girl, you know I didn't mean to wound you.

Lady Mereston

After all, it was largely your fault. He was deeply religious, and as the president of the Broad Church Union he couldn't countenance your mode of life.

Fouldes

[With great unction.] Thank God in my day I've been a miserable sinner!

Lady Mereston

[Laughing.] You're quite incurable, Paradine. But you will help me now. Since his father's death, the boy and I have lived a very retired life, and now we're quite helpless. It would break my heart if Charlie married that woman.

Fouldes

I'll do my best. I think I can promise you that nothing will come of it.

[The door is flung open, and Lady Frederick enters, followed by Mereston, a young boyish man of twenty-two; by her brother, Sir Gerald O'Mara, a handsome fellow of six-and-twenty; by Captain Montgomerie, Admiral Carlisle, and Rose, his daughter. Lady Frederick is a handsome Irish woman of thirty to thirty-five, beautifully dressed. She is very vivacious, and light-hearted. She has all the Irish recklessness and unconcern for the morrow. Whenever she wants to get round anybody she falls into an Irish brogue, and then, as she knows very well, she is quite irresistible. Captain Montgomerie is a polished, well-groomed man of thirty-five, with suave manners. The Admiral is bluff and downright. Rose is a pretty ingénue of nineteen.

Lady Mereston

Here they are.

Lady Frederick

[Enthusiastically going to him with open arms.] Paradine! Paradine! Paradine!

Mererston

Oh, my prophetic soul, mine uncle!

Fouldes

[Shaking hands with Lady Frederick.] I heard you were at the Casino.

Lady Frederick

Charlie lost all his money, so I brought him away.

Lady Mereston

I wish you wouldn't gamble, Charlie dear.

Mererston

My dear mother, I've only lost ten thousand francs.

Lady Frederick

[To Paradine Fouldes.] I see you're in your usual robust health.

Fouldes

You needn't throw it in my face. I shall probably be very unwell to-morrow.

Lady Frederick

D'you know Admiral Carlisle? This is my brother Gerald.

Fouldes

[Shaking hands.] How d'you do?

Lady Frederick

[Introducing.] Captain Montgomerie.

Captain Montgomerie

I think we've met before.

Fouldes

I'm very pleased to hear it. How d'you do. [To Mererston.] Are you having a good time in Monte Carlo, Charles?

Mererston

A 1, thanks.

Fouldes

And what do you do with yourself?

Mererston

Oh, hang about generally, you know – and there's always the tables.

Fouldes

That's right, my boy; I'm glad to see that you prepare yourself properly for your duties as a hereditary legislator.

Mererston

[Laughing.] Oh, shut it, Uncle Paradine.

Fouldes

I rejoice also to find that you have already a certain command of the vernacular.

Mererston

Well, if you can browbeat a London cabby and hold your own in repartee with a barmaid, it oughtn't to be difficult to get on all right in the House of Lords.

Fouldes

But let me give you a solemn warning. You have a magnificent chance, dear boy, with all the advantages of wealth and station. I beseech you not to throw it away by any exhibition of talent. The field is clear and the British people are waiting for a leader. But remember that the British people like their leaders dull. Capacity they mistrust, versatility they cannot bear, and wit they utterly abhor. Look at the fate of poor Lord Parnaby. His urbanity gained him the premiership, but his brilliancy overthrew him. How could the fortunes of the nation be safe with a man whose speeches were pointed and sparkling, whose mind was so quick, so agile, that it reminded you of a fencer's play? Every one is agreed that Lord Parnaby is flippant and unsubstantial; we doubt his principles and we have grave fears about his morality. Take warning, my dear boy, take warning. Let the sprightly epigram never lighten the long periods of your speech nor the Attic salt flavour the roast beef of your conversation. Be careful that your metaphors show no imagination and conceal your brains as you would a discreditable secret. Above all, if you have a sense of humour, crush it. Crush it.

Mereston

My dear uncle, you move me very much. I will be as stupid as an owl.

Fouldes

There's a good, brave boy.

Mereston

I will be heavy and tedious.

Fouldes

I see already the riband of the Garter adorning your shirt-front. Remember, there's no damned merit about that.

Mereston

None shall listen to my speeches without falling into a profound sleep.

Fouldes

[Seizing his hand.] The premiership itself is within your grasp.

Lady Mereston

Dear Paradine, let us take a stroll on the terrace before we go to bed.

Fouldes

And you shall softly whisper all the latest scandal in my ear.

[He puts on her cloak and they go out.

Lady Frederick

May I speak to you, Admiral?

Admiral

Certainly, certainly. What can I do for you?

[While Lady Frederick and the Admiral talk, the others go slowly out. Through the conversation she uses her Irish brogue.

Lady Frederick

Are you in a good temper?

Admiral

Fairly, fairly.

Lady Frederick

I'm glad of that because I want to make you a proposal of marriage.

Admiral

My dear Lady Frederick, you take me entirely by surprise.

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] Not on my own behalf, you know.

Admiral

Oh, I see.

Lady Frederick

The fact is, my brother Gerald has asked your daughter to marry him, and she has accepted.

Admiral

Rose is a minx, Lady Frederick, and she's much too young to marry.

Lady Frederick

Now don't fly into a passion. We're going to talk it over quite calmly.

Admiral

I tell you I won't hear of it. The boy's penniless.

Lady Frederick

That's why it's so lucky you're rich.

Admiral

Eh?

Lady Frederick

You've been talking of buying a place in Ireland. You couldn't want anything nicer than Gerald's – gravel soil, you know. And you simply dote on Elizabethan architecture.

Admiral

I can't bear it.

Lady Frederick

How fortunate, then, that the house was burnt down in the eighteenth century and rebuilt in the best Georgian style.

Admiral

Ugh.

Lady Frederick

And you'd love to have little grandsons to dandle on your knee.

Admiral

How do I know they wouldn't be girls?

Lady Frederick

Oh, it's most unusual in our family.

Admiral

I tell you I won't hear of it.

Lady Frederick

You know, it's not bad to have the oldest baronetcy in the country but one.

Admiral

I suppose I shall have to pack Rose off to England.

Lady Frederick

And break her heart?

Admiral

Women's hearts are like old china, none the worse for a break or two.

Lady Frederick

Did you ever know my husband, Admiral?

Admiral

Yes.

Lady Frederick

I was married to him at seventeen because my mother thought it a good match, and I was desperately in love with another man. Before we'd been married a fortnight he came home blind drunk, and I had never seen a drunken man before. Then I found out he was a confirmed tippler. I was so ashamed. If you only knew what my life was for the ten years I lived with him. I've done a lot of foolish things in my time, but, my God, I have suffered.

Admiral

Yes, I know, I know.

Lady Frederick

And believe me, when two young things love one another it's better to let them marry. Love is so very rare in this world. One really ought to make the most of it when it's there.

Admiral

I'm very sorry, but I've made up my mind.

Lady Frederick

Ah, but won't you alter it – like Nelson. Don't be hard on Rose. She's really in love with Gerald. Do give them a chance. Won't you? Ah, do – there's a dear.

Admiral

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but Sir Gerald is about the most ineligible young man that I've ever come across.

Lady Frederick

[Triumphantly.] There, I knew we should agree. That's precisely what I told him this morning.

Admiral

I understand his place is heavily mortgaged.

Lady Frederick

No one will lend a penny more on it. If they would Gerald would borrow it at once.

Admiral

He's got nothing but his pay to live upon.

Lady Frederick

And his tastes are very extravagant.

Admiral

He's a gambler.

Lady Frederick

Yes, but then he's so good looking.

Admiral

Eh?

Lady Frederick

I'm glad that we agree so entirely about him. Now there's nothing left but to call the young things in, join their hands and give them our united blessing.

Admiral

Before I consent to this marriage, madam, I'll see your brother —

Lady Frederick

Damned?

Admiral

Yes, madam, damned.

Lady Frederick

Now listen to me quietly, will you?

Admiral

I should warn you, Lady Frederick, that when I once make up my mind about a thing, I never change it.

Lady Frederick

Now that is what I really admire. I like a man of character. You know, I've always been impressed by your strength and determination.

Admiral

I don't know about that. But when I say a thing, I do it.

Lady Frederick

Yes, I know. And in five minutes you're going to say that Gerald may marry your pretty Rose.

Admiral

No, no, no.

Lady Frederick

Now look here, don't be obstinate, I don't like you when you're obstinate.

Admiral

I'm not obstinate. I'm firm.

Lady Frederick

After all, Gerald has lots of good qualities. He's simply devoted to your daughter. He's been a little wild, but you know you wouldn't give much for a young man who hadn't.

Admiral

[Gruffly.] I don't want a milksop for a son-in-law.

Lady Frederick

As soon as he's married, he'll settle into a model country squire.

Admiral

Well, he's a gambler, and I can't get over that.

Lady Frederick

Shall he promise you never to play cards again? Now, don't be horrid. You don't want to make me utterly wretched, do you?

Admiral

[Unwillingly.] Well, I'll tell you what I'll do – they shall marry if he doesn't gamble for a year.

Lady Frederick

Oh, you duck. [She impulsively throws her arms round his neck and kisses him. He is a good deal taken aback.] I beg your pardon, I couldn't help it.

Admiral

I don't altogether object, you know.

Lady Frederick

Upon my word, in some ways you're rather fascinating.

Admiral

D'you think so, really?

Lady Frederick

I do indeed.

Admiral

I rather wish that proposal of marriage had been on your own behalf.

Lady Frederick

Ah, with me, dear Admiral, experience triumphs over hope. I must tell the children. [Calling.] Gerald, come here. Rose.

[Gerald and Rose come in.

Lady Frederick

I always knew your father was a perfect darling, Rose.

Rose

Oh, papa, you are a brick.

Admiral

I thoroughly disapprove of the marriage, my dear, but – it's not easy to say no to Lady Frederick.

Gerald

It's awfully good of you, Admiral, and I'll do my best to make Rose a ripping husband.

Admiral

Not so fast, young man, not so fast. There's a condition.

Rose

Oh, father!

Lady Frederick

Gerald is to behave himself for a year, and then you may marry.

Rose

But won't Gerald grow very dull if he behaves himself?

Lady Frederick

I have no doubt of it. But dullness is the first requisite of a good husband.

Admiral

Now you must pack off to bed, my dear. I'm going to smoke my pipe before turning in.

Rose

[Kissing Lady Frederick.] Good-night, dearest. I'll never forget your kindness.

Lady Frederick

You'd better not thank me till you've been married a few years.

Rose

[Holding out her hand to GERALD.] Good-night.

Gerald

[Taking it and looking at her.] Good-night.

Admiral

[Gruffly.] You may as well do it in front of my face as behind my back.

Rose

[Lifting up her lips.] Good-night.

[He kisses her, and the Admiral and Rose go out.

Lady Frederick

Oh lord, I wish I were eighteen.

[She sinks into a chair, and an expression of utter weariness comes over her face.

Gerald

I say, what's up?

Lady Frederick

[Starting.] I thought you'd gone. Nothing.

Gerald

Come, out with it.

Lady Frederick

Oh, my poor boy, if you only knew. I'm so worried that I don't know what on earth to do.

Gerald

Money?

Lady Frederick

Last year I made a solemn determination to be economical. And it's ruined me.

Gerald

My dear, how could it?

Lady Frederick

I can't make it out. It seems very unfair. The more I tried not to be extravagant, the more I spent.

Gerald

Can't you borrow?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] I have borrowed. That's just it.

Gerald

Well, borrow again.

Lady Frederick

I've tried to. But no one's such a fool as to lend me a penny.

Gerald

Did you say I'd sign anything they liked?

Lady Frederick

I was so desperate I said we'd both sign anything. It was Dick Cohen.

Gerald

Oh lord, what did he say?

Lady Frederick

[Imitating a Jewish accent.] What's the good of wathting a nithe clean sheet of paper, my dear lady?

Gerald

[Shouting with laughter.] By George, don't I know it.

Lady Frederick

For heaven's sake don't let's talk of my affairs. They're in such a state that if I think of them at all I shall have a violent fit of hysterics.

Gerald

But look here, what d'you really mean?

Lady Frederick

Well, if you want it – I owe my dressmaker seven hundred pounds, and last year I signed two horrid bills, one for fifteen hundred and the other for two thousand. They fall due the day after to-morrow, and if I can't raise the money I shall have to go through the Bankruptcy Court.

Gerald

By George, that's serious.

Lady Frederick

It's so serious that I can't help thinking something will happen. Whenever I've got in a really tight fix something has turned up and put me on my legs again. Last time, Aunt Elizabeth had an apoplectic fit. But of course it wasn't really very profitable because mourning is so desperately expensive.

Gerald

Why don't you marry?

Lady Frederick

Oh, my dear Gerald, you know I'm always unlucky at games of chance.

Gerald

Charlie Mereston's awfully gone on you.

Lady Frederick

That must be obvious to the meanest intelligence.

Gerald

Well, why don't you have him?

Lady Frederick

Good heavens, I'm old enough to be his mother.

Gerald

Nonsense. You're only ten years older than he is, and nowadays no nice young man marries a woman younger than himself.

Lady Frederick

He's such a good fellow. I couldn't do him a nasty turn like that.

Gerald

How about Montgomerie? He simply stinks of money, and he's not a bad sort.

Lady Frederick

[Surprised.] My dear boy, I hardly know him.

Gerald

Well, I'm afraid it means marriage or bankruptcy.

Lady Frederick

Here's Charlie. Take him away, there's a dear. I want to talk to Paradine.

Enter Paradine Fouldes with Mereston.

Fouldes

What, still here, Lady Frederick?

Lady Frederick

As large as life.

Fouldes

We've been taking a turn on the terrace.

Lady Frederick

[To Mereston.] And has your astute uncle been pumping you, Charlie?

Fouldes

Eh, what?

Mereston

I don't think he got much out of me.

Fouldes

[Good-naturedly.] All I wanted, dear boy. There's no one so transparent as the person who thinks he's devilish deep. By the way, what's the time?

Gerald

About eleven, isn't it?

Fouldes

Ah! How old are you, Charlie?

Mereston

Twenty-two.

Fouldes

Then it's high time you went to bed.

Lady Frederick

Charlie's not going to bed till I tell him. Are you?

Mereston

Of course not.

Fouldes

Has it escaped your acute intelligence, my friend, that I want to talk to Lady Frederick?

Mereston

Not at all. But I have no reason to believe that Lady Frederick wants to talk to you.

Gerald

Let's go and have a game of pills, Charlie.

Mereston

D'you want to be left alone with the old villain?

Fouldes

You show no respect for my dyed hairs, young man.

Lady Frederick

I've not seen him for years, you know.

Mereston

Oh, all right. I say, you're coming for a ride to-morrow, aren't you?

Lady Frederick

Certainly. But it must be in the afternoon.

Fouldes

I'm sorry, but Charles has arranged to motor me over to Nice in the afternoon.

Mereston

[To Lady Frederick.] That'll suit me A 1. I had an engagement, but it was quite unimportant.

Lady Frederick

Then that's settled. Good-night.

Mereston

Good-night.

[He goes out with Gerald. Lady Frederick turns and good-humouredly scrutinises Paradise Fouldes.

Lady Frederick

Well?

Fouldes

Well?

Lady Frederick

You wear excellently, Paradine.

Fouldes

Thanks.

Lady Frederick

How do you manage it?

Fouldes

By getting up late and never going to bed early, by eating whatever I like and drinking whenever I'm thirsty, by smoking strong cigars, taking no exercise, and refusing under any circumstances to be bored.

Lady Frederick

I'm sorry you had to leave town in such a hurry. Were you amusing yourself?

Fouldes

I come to the Riviera every year.

Lady Frederick

I daresay, but not so early.

Fouldes

I've never surrendered so far to middle age as to make habits.

Lady Frederick

My dear Paradine, the day before yesterday, Lady Mereston, quite distracted, went to the post office and sent you the following wire: "Come at once, your help urgently needed. Charlie in toils designing female, Maud." Am I right?

Fouldes

I never admit even to myself that a well-dressed woman is mistaken.

Lady Frederick

So you started post-haste, bent upon protecting your nephew, and were infinitely surprised to learn that the designing female was no other than your humble servant.

Fouldes

You'd be irresistible, Lady Frederick, if you didn't know you were so clever.

Lady Frederick

And now what are you going to do?

Fouldes

My dear lady, I'm not a police officer, but a very harmless, inoffensive old bachelor.

Lady Frederick

With more wiles than the mother of many daughters and the subtlety of a company promoter.

Fouldes

Maud seems to think that as I've racketted about a little in my time, I'm just the sort of man to deal with you. Set a thief to catch a thief, don't you know? She's rather fond of proverbs.

Lady Frederick

She should have thought rather of: When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war. I hear Lady Mereston has been saying the most agreeable things about me.

Fouldes

Ah, that's women's fault; they always show their hand. You're the only woman I ever knew who didn't.

Lady Frederick

[With a brogue.] You should have avoided the Blarney Stone when you went to Ireland.

Fouldes

Look here, d'you want to marry Charlie?

Lady Frederick

Why should I?

Fouldes

Because he's got fifty thousand a year, and you're head over ears in debt. You've got to raise something like four thousand pounds at once, or you go under. You've got yourself a good deal talked about during the last ten years, but people have stood you because you had plenty of money. If you go broke they'll drop you like a hot potato. And I daresay it wouldn't be inconvenient to change Lady Frederick Berolles into Lady Mereston. My sister has always led me to believe that it is rather attractive to be a Marchioness.

Lady Frederick

Unlike a duchess, its cheap without being gaudy.

Fouldes

You asked me why you might want to marry a boy from ten to fifteen years younger than yourself, and I've told you.

Lady Frederick

And now perhaps you'll tell me why you're going to interfere in my private concerns?

Fouldes

Well, you see his mother happens to be my sister, and I'm rather fond of her. It's true her husband was the most sanctimonious prig I've ever met in my life.

Lady Frederick

I remember him well. He was president of the Broad Church Union and wore side-whiskers.

Fouldes

But she stuck to me through thick and thin. I've been in some pretty tight places in my day, and she's always given me a leg up when I wanted it. I've got an idea it would just about break her heart if Charlie married you.

Lady Frederick

Thanks.

Fouldes

You know, I don't want to be offensive, but I think it would be a pity myself. And besides, unless I'm much mistaken, I've got a little score of my own that I want to pay off.

Lady Frederick

Have you?

Fouldes

You've got a good enough memory not to have forgotten that you made a blithering fool of me once. I swore I'd get even with you, and by George, I mean to do it.

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] And how do you propose to stop me if I make up my mind that I'm going to accept Charlie?

Fouldes

Well, he's not proposed yet, has he?

Lady Frederick

Not yet, but I've had to use every trick and device I can think of to prevent him.

Fouldes

Look here, I'm going to play this game with my cards on the table.

Lady Frederick

Then I shall be on my guard. You're never so dangerous as when you pretend to be frank.

Fouldes

I'm sorry you should think so badly of me.

Lady Frederick

I don't. Only it was a stroke of genius when Nature put the soul of a Jesuit priest into the body of a Yorkshire squire.

Fouldes

I wonder what you're paying me compliments for. You must be rather afraid of me.

[They look at one another for a moment.

Lady Frederick

Well, let's look at these cards.

Fouldes

First of all, there's this money you've got to raise.

Lady Frederick

Well?

Fouldes

This is my sister's suggestion.

Lady Frederick

That means you don't much like it.

Fouldes

If you'll refuse the boy and clear out – we'll give you forty thousand pounds.

Lady Frederick

I suppose you'd be rather surprised if I boxed your ears.

Fouldes

Now, look here, between you and me high falutin's rather absurd, don't you think so? You're in desperate want of money, and I don't suppose it would amuse you much to have a young hobbledehoy hanging about your skirts for the rest of your life.

Lady Frederick

Very well, we'll have no high falutin! You may tell Lady Mereston that if I really wanted the money I shouldn't be such an idiot as to take forty thousand down when I can have fifty thousand a year for the asking.

Fouldes

I told her that.

Lady Frederick

You showed great perspicacity. Now for the second card.

Fouldes

My dear, it's no good getting into a paddy over it.

Lady Frederick

I've never been calmer in my life.

Fouldes

You always had the very deuce of a temper. I suppose you've not given Charlie a sample of it yet, have you?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] Not yet.

Fouldes

Well, the second card's your reputation.

Lady Frederick

But I haven't got any. I thought that such an advantage.

Fouldes

You see Charlie is a young fool. He thinks you a paragon of all the virtues, and it's never occurred to him that you've rather gone the pace in your time.

Lady Frederick

It's one of my greatest consolations to think that even a hundred horse-power racing motor couldn't be more rapid than I've been.

Fouldes

Still it'll be rather a shock to Charlie when he hears that this modest flower whom he trembles to adore has…

Lady Frederick

Very nearly eloped with his own uncle. But you won't tell him that story because you hate looking a perfect ass.

Fouldes

Madam, when duty calls, Paradine Fouldes consents even to look ridiculous. But I was thinking of the Bellingham affair.

Lady Frederick

Ah, of course, there's the Bellingham affair. I'd forgotten it.

Fouldes

Nasty little business that, eh?

Lady Frederick

Horrid.

Fouldes

Don't you think it would choke him off?

Lady Frederick

I think it very probable.

Fouldes

Well, hadn't you better cave in?

Lady Frederick

[Ringing the bell.] Ah, but you've not seen my cards yet. [A servant enters.] Tell my servant to bring down the despatch-box which is on my writing-table.

SERVANT.

Yes, miladi.

[Exit.

Fouldes

What's up now?

Lady Frederick

Well, four or five years ago I was staying at this hotel, and Mimi la Bretonne had rooms here.

Fouldes

I never heard of the lady, but her name suggests that she had an affectionate nature.

Lady Frederick

She was a little singer at the Folies Bergères, and she had the loveliest emeralds I ever saw.

Fouldes

But you don't know Maud's.

Lady Frederick

The late Lord Mereston had a passion for emeralds. He always thought they were such pure stones.

Fouldes

[Quickly.] I beg your pardon?

Lady Frederick

Well, Mimi fell desperately ill, and there was no one to look after her. Of course the pious English ladies in the hotel wouldn't go within a mile of her, so I went and did the usual thing, don't you know.

[Lady Frederick's man comes in with a small despatch-box which he places on a table. He goes out. Lady Frederick as she talks, unlocks it.

Fouldes

Thank God I'm a bachelor, and no ministering angel ever smoothes my pillow when I particularly want to be left alone.

Lady Frederick

I nursed her more or less through the whole illness, and afterwards she fancied she owed me her worthless little life. She wanted to give me the precious emeralds, and when I refused was so heart-broken that I said I'd take one thing if I might.

Fouldes

And what was that?

Lady Frederick

A bundle of letters. I'd seen the address on the back of the envelope, and then I recognised the writing. I thought they'd be much safer in my hands than in hers. [She takes them out of the box and hands them to Paradine.] Here they are.

[He looks and starts violently.

Fouldes

89 Grosvenor Square. It's Mereston's writing. You don't mean? What! Ah, ah, ah. [He bursts into a shout of laughter.] The old sinner. And Mereston wouldn't have me in the house, if you please, because I was a dissolute libertine. And he was the president of the Broad Church Union. Good Lord, how often have I heard him say: "Gentlemen, I take my stand on the morality, the cleanliness and the purity of English Family Life." Oh, oh, oh.

Lady Frederick

I've often noticed that the religious temperament is very susceptible to the charms of my sex.

Fouldes

May I look?

Lady Frederick

Well, I don't know. I suppose so.

Fouldes

[Reading.] "Heart's delight"… And he signs himself, "your darling chickabiddy." The old ruffian.

Lady Frederick

She was a very pretty little thing.

Fouldes

I daresay, but thank heaven, I have some sense of decency left, and it outrages all my susceptibilities that a man in side-whiskers should call himself anybody's chickabiddy.

Lady Frederick

Protestations of undying affection are never ridiculous when they are accompanied by such splendid emeralds.

Fouldes

[Starting and growing suddenly serious.] And what about Maud?

Lady Frederick

Well?

Fouldes

Poor girl, it'd simply break her heart. He preached at her steadily for twenty years, and she worshipped the very ground he trod on. She'd have died of grief at his death except she felt it her duty to go on with his work.

Lady Frederick

I know.

Fouldes

By Jove, it's a good card. You were quite right to refuse the emeralds: these letters are twice as valuable.

Lady Frederick

Would you like to burn them?

Fouldes

Betsy!

Lady Frederick

There's the stove. Put them in.

[He takes them up in both hands and hurries to the stove. But he stops and brings them back, he throws them on the sofa.

Fouldes

No, I won't.

Lady Frederick

Why not?

Fouldes

It's too dooced generous. I'll fight you tooth and nail, but it's not fair to take an advantage over me like that. You'll bind my hands with fetters.

Lady Frederick

Very well. You've had your chance.

Fouldes

But, by Jove, you must have a good hand to throw away a card like that. What have you got – a straight flush?

Lady Frederick

I may be only bluffing, you know.

Fouldes

Lord, it does me good to hear your nice old Irish brogue again.

Lady Frederick

Faith, and does it?

Fouldes

I believe you only put it on to get over people.

Lady Frederick

[Smiling.] Begorrah, it's not easy to get over you.

Fouldes

Lord, I was in love with you once, wasn't I?

Lady Frederick

Not more than lots of other people have been.

Fouldes

And you did treat me abominably.

Lady Frederick

Ah, that's what they all said. But you got over it very well.

Fouldes

I didn't. My digestion was permanently impaired by your brutal treatment.

Lady Frederick

Is that why you went to Carlsbad afterwards instead of the Rocky Mountains?

Fouldes

You may laugh, but the fact remains that I've only been in love once, and that was with you.

Lady Frederick

[Smiling as she holds out her hand.] Good-night.

Fouldes

For all that I'm going to fight you now for all I'm worth.

Lady Frederick

I'm not frightened of you, Paradine.

Fouldes

Good-night.

[As he goes out, Captain Montgomerie enters.

Lady Frederick

[Yawning and stretching her arms.] Oh I'm so sleepy.

Captain Montgomerie

I'm sorry for that. I wanted to have a talk with you.

Lady Frederick

[Smiling.] I daresay I can keep awake for five minutes, you know – especially if you offer me a cigarette.

Captain Montgomerie

Here you are.

[He hands her his case and lights her cigarette.

Lady Frederick

[With a sigh.] Oh, what a comfort.

Captain Montgomerie

I wanted to tell you, I had a letter this morning from my solicitor to say that he's just bought Crowley Castle on my behalf.

Lady Frederick

Really. But it's a lovely place. You must ask me to come and stay.

Captain Montgomerie

I should like you to stay there indefinitely.

Lady Frederick

[With a quick look.] That's charming of you, but I never desert my London long.

Captain Montgomerie

[Smiling.] I have a very nice house in Portman Square.

Lady Frederick

[Surprised.] Really?

Captain Montgomerie

And I'm thinking of going into Parliament at the next election.

Lady Frederick

It appears to be a very delightful pastime to govern the British nation, dignified without being laborious.

Captain Montgomerie

Lady Frederick, although I've been in the service I have rather a good head for business, and I hate beating about the bush. I wanted to ask you to marry me.

Lady Frederick

It's nice of you not to make a fuss about it. I'm very much obliged but I'm afraid I can't.

Captain Montgomerie

Why not?

Lady Frederick

Well, you see, I don't know you.

Captain Montgomerie

We could spend the beginning of our married life so usefully in making one another's acquaintance.

Lady Frederick

It would be rather late in the day then to come to the conclusion that we couldn't bear the sight of one another.

Captain Montgomerie

Shall I send my banker's book so that you may see that my antecedents are respectable and my circumstances – such as to inspire affection.

Lady Frederick

I have no doubt it would be very interesting – but not to me.

[She makes as if to go.

Captain Montgomerie

Ah, don't go yet. Won't you give me some reason?

Lady Frederick

If you insist. I'm not in the least in love with you.

Captain Montgomerie

D'you think that much matters?

Lady Frederick

You're a friend of Gerald's, and he says you're a very good sort. But I really can't marry every one that Gerald rather likes.

Captain Montgomerie

He said he'd put in a good word for me.

Lady Frederick

If I ever marry again it shall be to please myself, not to please my brother.

Captain Montgomerie

I hope I shall induce you to alter your mind.

Lady Frederick

I'm afraid I can give you no hope of that.

Captain Montgomerie

You know, when I determine to do a thing, I generally do it.

Lady Frederick

That sounds very like a threat.

Captain Montgomerie

You may take it as such if you please.

Lady Frederick

And you've made up your mind that you're going to marry me?

Captain Montgomerie

Quite.

Lady Frederick

Well, I've made up mine that you shan't. So we're quits.

Captain Montgomerie

Why don't you talk to your brother about it?

Lady Frederick

Because it's no business of his.

Captain Montgomerie

Isn't it? Ask him!

Lady Frederick

What do you mean by that?

Captain Montgomerie

Ask him? Good-night.

Lady Frederick

Good-night. [He goes out. Lady Frederick goes to the French window that leads to the terrace and calls.] Gerald!

Gerald

Hulloa!

[He appears and comes into the room.

Lady Frederick

Did you know that Captain Montgomerie was going to propose to me?

Gerald

Yes.

Lady Frederick

Is there any reason why I should marry him?

Gerald

Only that I owe him nine hundred pounds.

Lady Frederick

[Aghast.] Oh, why didn't you tell me?

Gerald

You were so worried, I couldn't. Oh, I've been such a fool. I tried to make a coup for Rose's sake.

Lady Frederick

Is it a gambling debt?

Gerald

Yes.

Lady Frederick

[Ironically.] What they call a debt of honour?

Gerald

I must pay it the day after to-morrow without fail.

Lady Frederick

But that's the day my two bills fall due. And if you don't?

Gerald

I shall have to send in my papers, and I shall lose Rosie. And then I shall blow out my silly brains.

Lady Frederick

But who is the man?

Gerald

He's the son of Aaron Levitzki, the money-lender.

Lady Frederick

[Half-comic, half-aghast.] Oh lord!

END OF THE FIRST ACT