Цитаты из книги Ship It

"I used to have friends. I used to not worry all the time. I used to go outside and play with kids. I used to talk to people at the bus stop. But then I moved to an ew town in sixth grade, and I didn`t do so well making new friends because I was awkard, and liked books too much, and I wans`t pretty or rich, and my parents were liberal, and then before I knew it the transition period was over and it felt like my window of opportunity had passed and I just... I never made any. And then it was settled. That was it. My new reality." I shrug. "now, my whole life is basically inside my own mind."

I don`t know how Tess does it. She seems to know exactly what she is, and who she likes, and why. When did she acquire this certainy? And how can I get some of it to rub off on me? My cheeks flush in the darkness at the phrase rub off, and I shake the visual from earlier that night away. Because what if... what if I`m not actually queer? What if I come out to everyone I know, but then I realize later that this was just a weird night and after this I never kiss another girl? Then what? Then do I have to re-come out as straight? Take it all back? And who would believe me? Everyone I know already thinks I`m gay just because I ship slash and I like to talk about it. I mean, I could never come back from that. How are you supposed to know? I mean, really know, like for sure know? Know enough to tell your mom, who will surely freak out and want to bake a cake or something? Know enough to call yourself gay — in public or even in private, even in your own head? I don`t know. What if I never know? What if I feel like this forever?

"Okay," she says. "It`s cool. This is obviously too much. I`ll just get my stuff..." She goes and grabs her backpack and starts for the door. "No problem. I`ll let myself out. I`ll see you tomorrow." She says it like it`s no big deal. Like she`s doing me a favor. She`s not doing me a favor. I want her to stop. Tess. Stop. STOP. "Stop!" I say that. She stops. She looks back at me and waits. Absurdly, I think about all the fics I`ve read. I know exactly what to do next. The secret signal I need to give. I drop my gaze to her lips. Her lips smile. I`m still holding the coffeepot. What would happen next in a fic? Claire puts down the coffeepot. I put the coffeepot down. Claire approaches Tess. I put one foot in front of the other. She drops her backpack and hold her hands out to me, and when I reach her, she slides her hands around my waist and brings me in tight. Claire kisses Tess. And I lean forward and that`s how easy it is, because now we`re kissing. And my stomach zhooms. My heartbeat spikes, and I`m tingly from the base of my neck down to my fingertips, and her lips are soft and welcoming, and I just want to burrow in and stay right here in her arms like it`s my hobbit home. I never want to leave.

To make art in fandom is to follow your pasison at the risk of never being taken seriously. I`ve written dozens of fics — put them together and you`d have several novels — but who knows what a college admissions officer will think of that as a pastime. Where does 12,000 Tumblr followers rate in relation to a spot in the National Honor Society in their minds? Every week I get anonymous messages in my inbox telling me I should write a real book. Well, haven`t I already? What makes what I do different from "real writing"? Is it that i don`t use original characters? I guess that makes every Hardy Boys edition, every Star Wars book, every spinoff, sequel, fairy-tale retelling, historical romance, comic-book reboot, and the musical Hamilton "not real writing." Or is it that a real book is something printed, that you hold in your hand, not something you write on the internet? Or is "real writing" something you sell in a store, not give away for free? No, I know it`s none of these things. It`s merely this: "real writing" is done by serious people, whereas fanfiction is written by weirdos, teenagers, degenerates, and women.

"Are you sure you`re okay with this?" "Why wouldn`t I be?" Mom asks. "We`re going on the road to faraway big cities," I say. "I mean, I could end up doing drugs." "The important thing is you have fun." "Maybe I`ll have sex. Or get a tattoo. Anything could happen! I could get pregnant!" "These all sound like important life benchmarks." "I could get a B," I say, more realistically. "Your father is going to speak to your teachers, and they`ll e-mail you any assignments you don`t already have. Don`t you worry about that." <...> Mom pats me on the back. "And if you want a tattoo, you know all you have to do is ask. I`d be happy to go with you." She really is the worst mother sometimes.

It`s not that I`m famous. I`m not. No, really, there are people on Tumblr who are legit famous, and I`m not one of them. But I write fic, and a lot of people follow me so they can ask when the next chapter of whatever WIP I`ve been posting will come out, that kind of thing. But I don`t really have friends online. Acquaintances, sure. Mutuals, definitely. It`s just that most of the time on Tumblr I feel like everyone else is friends with one another and I`m just around, reblogging gifsets and posting fics and trying to avoid any drama. We`re a community, for sure, but I`m kind of like the old lady in the creepy house at the end of the lane who never comes to the block parties. It didn`t even cross my mind that Tess would recognize my name.

Kyle squints at my T-shirt again. It`s the one with promo photos of Smokey and Heart gazing deeply into each other`s eyes, ostensibly locked in eternal conflict, but the shirt, like the show, is open for interpretaion. And I choose to see love. So does Kyle, apparently. "Why do they look like they`re about to kiss?" Andrea snorts and punches him. "Be nice," she says. "I`m serious, that`s the gayest thing I`ve ever seen," he says. For a second there, I almost pity him. This shirt is the gayest thing he`s ever seen? Okay, sure, it`s a pretty gay shirt. But a gayer shirt would have them actually kissing. Or shirtless. Or it would show Heart taking Smokey from behind and... Well, there`s plenty of fic out there going into the details. The fic is pretty damn gay. This shirt? This shirt is just subtext.